What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:32
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Who writes and reads novels nowadays?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
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One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So whats the point in blame.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
All the time i was locked up.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.